Seemingly Simple Things
by Gay Jesus Probably
Summary: The Young Justice team is a lot of things. Capable of functioning in normal situations is not one of them. Basically the S1 team manages to take situations that should be very simple, and over complicate the hell out of it, because that's the way they are. Not crack. No pairings. T for swearing because teenagers.
1. Denny's

**AN: This is a completely pointless fanfiction written solely for stress relief, because god damn it I've got finals and diploma's and shit and I need the uncomplicated beauty of a bunch of vigilante teenagers getting Denny's at 2 AM.**

 **The premise of this series is that Connor, M'gann and Kaldur are all very new to this whole 'living on Earth's surface' thing, and Robin, Wally and Artemis are the kind of people that are going to do the right thing and introduce their friends to the necessary parts of life. This going to be a nice, uncomplicated fanfiction that will update any time I'm especially stressed and need something to unwind with. Roy will absolutely be dragged into it.**

 **And no I didn't have to go rewatch an episode to remind myself what each of the character sounded like shut up I've been watching a lot of Teen Titans lately.**

 **Don't expect any semblance of explanation, the openers are all noodle incident to give me an excuse for these plots. Just assume they were all ridiculous battles that were frustrating, kind of funny in hindsight, carried no angst, and dragged on entirely too long for anybody's tastes.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

In Which The Team Goes To Denny's At 2 AM, Artemis Has Hair Problems And No Chill, And Robin Should Probably Not Be Allowed On Social Media

"So. That was a thing. And it sure happened."

"Thank you Robin, that was an accurate summary of our situation." Artemis deadpanned, clearly unimpressed. This was fairly understandable, as Artemis had reached the point where the only emotions she was willing to express were variations of either deeply irritated, or contemplating murder. Both were perfectly valid emotions, and would normally earn Artemis plenty of space to express them, hopefully without stabbing a teammate. Unfortunately for her, it was slightly difficult to find her frightening in her current state. At some point in the battle, her ponytail had managed to come loose, and she was very quickly educated in why having long hair as a superhero was an unfortunate aesthetic choice. Hence the fact that her entire bow had somehow gotten snarled in her blonde locks, and showed no signs of coming loose anytime soon.

Nothing killed an intimidation factor quite like having your weapon incapacitated by hanging from your hair.

"…How long did that fight go on for?" Connor asked, speaking to nobody in particular and squinting suspiciously at the moon. He was _fairly_ certain it had changed halves of the sky during the ungodly long battle. Or it was entirely possible he had taken some unpleasant hits to the head and gotten disoriented. That was always out there.

"Not too long, I think. Only about- Good lord, it's two in the morning, we were fighting for hours. I hate supervillains. Especially the ones that aren't good enough to beat us, but are too tricky to actually catch without a lot of work. I didn't even see news crews. I'm offended. And hungry. Did you know I stopped for a snack break mid battle?" Wally complained, although the tone to his voice threatened to devolve into a whine.

"You sat on a roof and critiqued our form while you ate." Kaldur pointed out, a slight bite to his tone.

"Yeah, and gave you a nine. Ungrateful, that's what you are. And hungry, that's what I am. Can we stop for a late night snack? ….Early morning snack? Do they have a word for this? Midnight meal? Whatever the meal is called, my phone says there's a Denny's two blocks over, and yes I have an app for that don't judge me."

"Oh, I'm judging." Artemis muttered, although she seemed slightly preoccupied with trying to get the bow out of her hair. It didn't seem to be working.

"What is… Denny's?" M'gann interrupted, floating over to join the rest of them, and looking confused. As well as tired.

"Sacred North American ritual performed late at night after great triumphs, crushing defeats, or generally confusing things. And I think we just experienced at least one of those, so let's go. …If everyone's on board for this expedition." Robin said with slightly forced cheer, looking around at the four who had not expressed enthusiasm for a Denny's trip.

"…Sure, I guess. If they have food." Connor said, shrugging slightly, before going back to his contemplation of the moon. Had it changed size as well? Maybe he should start keeping a closer eye on it.

"I'm always ready to try Earth things!" M'gann said, now slightly perkier at the idea.

Kaldur gave a long, tired sigh, aiming a resigned stare at Robin and Wally.

"I'm fairly certain you're pulling something, but it's easier just to go with it. And, I suppose, this can be put down as team bonding."

"Hell no. Absolutely not, I am tired, and broke, and I'm not going to sit in a goddamn Denny's at two in the morning in the middle of assfuck nowhere, I'm going home and pulling my bow out of my hair-"

"I'm paying." Robin interrupted.

"I am eating every pancake in that restaurant and you can't stop me."

* * *

The waitresses reaction to six disheveled teenage superhero's staggering in had been… flat. To say the least.

This had been enough to get M'gann and Kaldur trading concerned looks at the girl, and at each other, before Artemis noticed and put an end to that shit.

"Guys. The waitress is normal. I'd be suspicious if she was happy right now."

"But not reacting to us is… kind of weird. Is she okay?" M'gann asked, clearly worried.

"She's working the 2 AM shift at Denny's. There is no possible way for okay to enter this equation." Robin muttered, from where he was slumped into the corner of their booth and tapping on his phone.

"What are you hacking right now?" Kaldur asked, giving Robin a suspicious look, and proving himself to be the genre savvy member of the team.

"Nothing. Texting Batman that we're going for awesome victory food after an awesome victory. Also, the drunk college students at the table over there just tweeted a picture of us, so I gave them a re-tweet. It's a good picture, look at Artemis's hair." Robin said cheerfully, showing the picture around the table.

"Oh Jesus, is that how it's tangled in? I don't even think that's possible. That's going to be just so much fun to get out later. Do you think sleeping with it in would make it worse, or could it possibly make it better?" Artemis asked, feeling around the area with a worried scowl. Robin leaned over, and shrugged.

"Dunno. I'd recommend conditioner, and lots of it. I have the good stuff, if you want me to spot you a bottle. You'll definitely need to replace your bow string after but it'll get the bow itself out. Maybe start with cutting the string? It'll be ruined either way." Robin said, examining the tangled bow.

"Dude, you use conditioner?" Wally interrupted, wrinkling his nose slightly.

"Well yeah, I'm not a savage. Why do you think my hair's so nice and silky? Feel it, it's great."

"…Oh my god your hair is so soft."

Needless to say, the entire team was touching Robin's hair soon after.

"Oh look, a new picture up on twitter. "Entire Young Justice team petting Robin's hair in a Denny's at 2 AM, hashtag dream six way." Would it be unfortunate implications to re-tweet this? Because I'm doing it anyways and you can't stop me."

* * *

"I don't know why they call it a grand slam, but this is the best thing I've ever put in my mouth." Connor said, completely serious.

"There's a magic to having pancakes at 2 AM that can't be replicated." Robin replied in an absent tone, concentration completely focused on the dick he was drawing on his pancakes in syrup and whipped cream.

"Do you have to do that in public?" Kaldur asked, sounding slightly pained.

"Yes. Yes we do. Robins looks better, but mines bigger so I win. That's how that works, right?" Artemis asked, looking around at the table of people who really didn't give a damn, a rough outline of a dick done in syrup across the top of her pancakes. Beside her, Robin began shading via syrup pointillism.

They ate in silence for a while, with Wally obviously finishing first, leaning back with a happy sigh. This held his attention for about a minute, before something else caught his eye. Something green. Something bow shaped. Something right beside him.

"Ow! What the hell? Don't pull my hair!" Artemis snapped, turning to glare at him. Wally pulled an offended face.

"I didn't pull your hair, I pulled your bow! …It just so happened to be stuck in your hair at the time. Nothing I can do about that."

"Yes. You can. Don't pull my bow."

The table resumed eating.

The bow was bouncing slightly as Artemis ate. It was just… so damn tempting.

"Kid Flash, if you pull my bow one more time, I'm going to end you." Artemis snapped, slamming her fork down and shooting a glare at the speedster in question, who quickly pulled his hand back, faking an innocent smile.

Kaldur muttered something in Atlantean, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in tired frustration. The Atlantean words in question were probably either a prayer for patience, a round of irritated swearing, or some combination of the two. It was probably both.

"Is this… a normal part of going to Denny's?" Conner asked, looking slightly baffled.

"It really depends on who you go to Denny's with." Robin sighed, wondering if it was possible to pretend not to know the people who he had been sitting with for the last half hour.

Wally looked around at his tired and irritated teammates, and spent a long minute contemplating his life and life choices. And then his sleep deprived and exhausted brain reached the conclusion that Artemis was too tired to follow through on her threat, and probably bluffing.

So he tugged the bow again.

He was the only one surprised when Artemis grabbed him by the collar, murder in her eyes.

"That's it!" She yelled, clearly intending to follow through with her earlier death threat.

"Hey! Take it outside! The waitress snapped, glaring at the two.

Fortunately for the interior of the Denny's, Artemis was no stranger to minimum wage jobs. The memories of the soul crushing awful of them was enough to convince her to take pity on the waitress, and drag Wally outside for the ass kicking she intended to deliver, the others trailing after.

"Really? We're doing this? Fist fight in a Denny's parking lot at two AM?" Robin asked. It was completely rhetorical, due to that being exactly what they were doing. His tone of exasperation and despair was somewhat undermined by the fact that he was getting his phone out, clearly intending to film.

"Should- should we let them fight each other?" M'gann asked, floating slightly in anxiety.

"No, no, let them do this. Some of the guys at school were talking about this, you just need to fight it out sometimes to be good again." Conner said, sounding strangely wise for a guy paraphrasing high school football players.

"None of the girls have talked about that…" M'gann said, clearly doubting on some level.

"You just don't hang out with the right girls." Robin deadpanned. "There's been research on it. Teenage guys fighting is mostly posturing, they'll stop as soon as you break eye contact. Teenage girls fighting is always done with the intent to kill a bitch, and anyone who gets in their way. Much more entertaining, guy fights are all just dick waving, girl fights actually get something done. And if there's non binary people fighting, then everyone's just fucked. Probably. Science keeps forgetting to account for them. Now everyone hush up, and don't drop any civvie names for a while, I'm about to livestream this. And people wonder why my hero identity has an internet presence, this is going to be gold..."

Artemis dropped Wally on the pavement of the parking lot, the lights from the restaurant casting a slightly dramatic shadow. Behind them, the small group of drunk college students had also followed them out, and were filling out the audience somewhat.

"Okay, we're about to start livestreaming, so if everyone could chant when they start swinging, I'd appreciate it." Robin instructed, speaking to both his team and their wasted audience.

"What do we chant?" Conner asked, giving Robin an alarmed look.

"Thanks Superboy, that question went live to the hundred odd people who are awake right now and in on this stream. It's a fight, you figure out what to chant. KF, get off the ground and take your asskicking like a superhero."

"No! I didn't think she was actually going to fight me!" Wally cried out, sulking slightly on the pavement.

"You've got five seconds to get up, or I'm kicking you when you're down." Artemis threatened. "Robin, count it."

"One! Two! Three! Four! Five! FIGHT!"

Fortunately for Wally, he scrambled to his feet just in time, moving so Artemis's first punch clipped his shoulder, instead of nailing him in the face. The watching college students and Robin started yelling, jeers and encouragements filling the air.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

* * *

"Thanks guys, that was a great fight. Don't worry about KF, he's okay. Probably. Maybe. We'll find out. Shout out to Artemis for being a short tempered badass, shout out to these random guys for helping me provide a proper fight atmosphere - awesome cheering my dudes. Shout out to Miss Martian and Aqualad for just standing there looking concerned, that was super helpful, and shout out to Superboy for joining the yelling despite not knowing what was going on. You're the real MVP. And finally, shout out to Batman who's been sending me increasingly threatening texts about this, and wow maybe livestreaming it was a bad idea. Live and learn." Robin said, shrugging slightly before ending the livestream.

Wally was passed out on the cement. Artemis was being carried around the parking lot for a victory lap on the shoulders of the college kids, who seemed ready to adopt her as one of their own."

Robin surveyed the chaos. On the shoulders of her new minions, Artemis was examining the blood on her knuckles with a pleased grin. Somehow during the fight, her hair had gotten an arrow from her quiver stuck in on top of the bow, as well as a few sticks. And a rock. Despite this, she was glowing with tired triumph, and clearly having the time of her life. M'gann was picking up Wally, whose eyes were already opening, the scrape on his head scabbing over. Connor was quietly fixing the dent in the hood of a car, which Artemis had slammed Wally into during the fight. Super strength had benefits, and those benefits was fixing the damage your friends caused. Kaldur was sitting on a low wall with the college students designated driver, and seemed to be bonding over being the sole voice of reason with a band of merry lunatics.

And Robin's follower count was steadily ticking up again, as it always did after he posted a stream.

Yeah, going to Denny's had been a good idea.

His phone buzzed in his hand, signalling another text, which he checked automatically.

 _Message from: Red Arrow_

 _Red Arrow:_ _Why do you do these things._

 _Robin:_ _You're invited to our next bonding session if you want. How'd you like the livestream?_

 _Red Arrow:_ _I will admit, the angles were pretty good._

 _Robin:_ _=D_

* * *

 **AN: Okay, so that was a thing and it certainly happened. Go team.**

 **I'll admit, I didn't go into this expecting it to finish with Robin livestreaming Artemis and Wally fistfighting in a Denny's parking lot while a crowd of drunk college students cheered them on, but it's where we ended up. Sometimes these things just escalate.**

 **So this is definitely going to be a multi-chapter fic of loosely connected nonsense like this. No promises on update times. Eating at Denny's at unholy hours is probably going to be a recurring theme, although obviously not every chapter.**

 **Anyways. Leave reviews to give the author validation and make them less sad inside.**


	2. Roomba's

**AN: Oh my god you guys are great. I should write more ridiculous self indulging nonsense. And I have! I think I'll probably involve a Denny's every other chapter, because it's just such a perfect epicenter of 'what the fuck'.**

 **Basically the premise of this series is going to be the Young Justice team taking things that should really not be this complicated and turning it into this insane clusterfuck. Because they're talented like that. Superhero does not always translate into 'Functional human being'.**

 **Also honestly, writing wise my favourites are Robin and Artemis, for making the best set ups and playing off each other, and Kaldur for playing a good straight man to everyone else's increasingly ridiculous nonsense. Basically, if we didn't have him here this wouldn't be half as funny. Love these nerds.**

 **As for the no pairings thing, I might put in some ships. It would never go further than a background thing, but it would still be... a thing. Though mind you, you're all free to interpret the interactions however you want. Read whatever ships from this, all power to you.**

 **The set up to this is that the team was told to vacuum the fuckin' cave.**

* * *

In Which The Team Plots To Kill A Roomba, The Roomba Is An Oblivious Ball Of Robotic Sunshine, And Robin Should Probably Not Be Allowed On Social Media

"Guys, why did a giant hockey puck just try to kill me?" Conner asked, entering the living room with a concerned look.

Slowly, the team all turned their eyes towards the same place, staring expectantly.

"...Why are we looking at me." Robin demanded, raising an eyebrow.

"Who else would make a giant killer hockey puck?" Artemis pointed out, giving him a look. Robin held a poker face, before sighing in an overdramatic fashion.

"I can't believe you all think I would do something like that. I mean, you're right, but I don't appreciate being called out like that. And it's not a 'giant killer hockey puck' you heathens, it's a roomba that I've duct taped a knife to. His name is Stabby and he's part of the family. Say hello Stabby."

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" Wally yelped, jumping about a foot into the air, and scrambling onto the back of the sofa, clutching at his ankle, which was bleeding from a minor stab wound. On the floor, Stabby the knife roomba carried on his merry way, ignoring the way the team rapidly moved their ankles out of the way. Robin gave him an affectionate pat as it went by, rolling right on out of the room.

Robin smiled happily, ignoring the stunned silence. Or was it horrified? Either was possible. Maybe a mix? Interesting.

"Robin, how long have you been feeling the urge to engage in supervillainy?" Artemis demanded, giving him a serious, assessing look.

"Now see, if you followed my blog, you would have seen the series of posts I made during the time between 1 AM and 6 AM yesterday, which detailed me finding a post discussing knife roombas, deciding we needed one, going out and getting a roomba, and figuring out how to properly attach the knife onto Stabby. As well as selfies after. He's a good roomba. He stabs Wally so we don't have to."

"...I'm telling Batman."

"Too late, he already approved it. Says it raises vigilance or something. So, watch your ankles, cause anyone who fucks with Stabby gets the wrath of Batman. And worse, the wrath of me. I can do things with computers that will fuck you for life, don't test me."

"Alright then. Welcome… Stabby to the cave." Aqualad said, sighing in irritation.

Really, the shit he put up with.

* * *

For the next week or so, it was fairly common to have various members of the team suddenly burst out swearing and grab their lightly stabbed ankles. Stabby was proving to be a delight. Mostly for Robin, whose Bat training had given him the reflexes necessary to avoid it, and seemed to take an unholy glee in seeing the others fail to avoid it. Conner and M'gann were also seeing the humour in the situation, as Connor's invulnerable ankles were immune to the stabbing attempts, and M'gann quickly took to just floating a foot off the ground everywhere she went.

As for the other three, they were contemplating murder.

"I'm just saying. All you need to do is 'accidentally' throw a bit of water around, and boom. No more Stabby the Asshole."

"I'm not annoyed enough to come into conflict with Batman over this. If you want to get rid of it, have a convenient bad shot with an arrow." Kaldur said firmly, giving Artemis a stern look. She seemed unmoved.

"Well, all this 'accident' stuff is dumb. Just take a hammer to it. Or a screwdriver. It's not that complicated." Wally pointed out, eyebrow raised.

"My suggestion is don't plot treason in _the living room_. You fail at this forever." Robin said cheerfully, from his position of hanging upside down from the ceiling. The ensuing high pitched shriek was mostly Wally, although Artemis contributed somewhat.

"Anyways, we got a mission. To the bioship! And if you threaten Stabby again, I'll re-program the systems so that your names are changed. And they will be very humiliating names. I've spent a lot of time thinking of them, I'm just _looking_ for an excuse to break them out now. Fair warning. Now let's go!"

And with that, the team rushed for the garage, getting into the bioship, and taking off.

Unfortunately, none of them had realised that a certain knife wielding roomba had been in the garage. And had wandered up into the bioship.

Really, for superheros they could be amazingly oblivious.

* * *

"We've gone wrong somewhere along the line here. Let's retrace our steps and see if we can figure out what the mistake was, gang. I'm going to guess that it started when Artemis came down with an unfortunate case of rock to the face." Robin deadpanned, leaning against the wall. Beside him, Artemis was clearly still feeling the aftereffects of rock to the face, considering the steadily darkening bruise on her left forehead, trickle of blood running down the side of her face from it, and the look she shot Robin for his bitching.

"Yeah, I took a rock to the face. After Kid Flash tripped me into the rock that hit me in the face."

"I tripped after slipping in mud. Mud made by somebody jumping into a giant puddle and sending it everywhere." Wally snarked, shooting the culprit a glare.

"The puddle was only there because Aqualad dropped water there right before I landed." Conner snapped, clearly feeling moody.

"I dropped the water because Miss Martian startled me by hurling a rock right in front of me." Kaldur muttered, head tilted back and eyes closed.

"And the rock landed in the perfect place for Artemis to smack her face on it. Good job team, chain reaction of disaster. I love you guys, you're like my family." Robin snarked, mouth set in a tight line that tended to mean he was irritated, but concealing it for the time being.

M'gann did not join in on the snark fest, as she was busy with the very important task of being unconscious. Meaning the team had to try and figure out the delicate art of communicating out loud, while understanding each other and not being noticed by the men guarding them at gunpoint. It was probably in their best interests not to startle the people who could and would shoot them.

Judging by their reactions to the casual bitching about the fight, they weren't going to try and crack down on talking. Which was a good sign, because the team was really good at casual bitching. It was their primary method of communication in normal situations. And it was distracting enough to outsiders that Robin had felt comfortable establishing a rough code around it, easy enough for everyone to remember and communicate with.

"So, I'm comfortable with blaming Artemis for this if you all are. I mean, she's normally the clumsy one, this shit would have happened anyways. Like, y'know that time she got a goddamn arrow tangled in her ponytail? How do you do that? See, she's turning red, she knows she's to blame for this. Remember how long it took to get the arrow out?" Robin said, shooting Artemis a glare, and adding a sarcastic bite to his tone. This was, of course, complete bullshit, as Artemis had never gotten an arrow stuck in her ponytail, and was certainly not to blame for their situation. Instead, what the words roughly translated to was _Did anyone remember to contact Red Arrow for backup?_

"Of course we do, we're not goddamn idiots." Wally said with a scoff.

 _Of course we didn't, we're goddamn idiots._

"I think at this exact moment, I suddenly realise that I hate every single one of you. Especially Miss Martian, for getting her dumb ass knocked out. Am I allowed to quit the team?" Robin asked, looking like he was seriously considering killing them all.

 _If someone protects M'gann, I can slip away at the first distraction._

"Don't talk about her like that!" Conner snapped, giving Robin a furious glare, and pulling the unconscious Martian girl towards him.

 _I'll take care of her._

"Stop this. In-fighting won't solve anything." Kaldur said, giving them all stern looks.

 _Everyone get ready. I'll create a distraction for Robin to move._

Before the plan could be put into effect, one of the gunmen suddenly dropped to the ground with a scream, leg crumpling under him.

"What the fuck?" Artemis blurted out. This was not part of the code. This was just confusion. Behind her, Robin had taken advantage of the guards distraction, and vanished, probably into the ceiling, which was enough for Conner to grab M'gann, and move out of the way.

Another guard went down screaming, grabbing at his leg. Artemis decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth, and jumped at another distracted guard. Or, more specifically jumped _on_ him, as she had used the cover of the bitching to work a spare bowstring out of her shoe, and was now using it as a very effective garrotte. Aqualad seemed to be following suit, moving in with his fists, while Wally zipped around them, snatching away guns. From his vantage point of god knows where, Robin covered them with the occasional birdarang, keeping the trio from being overwhelmed, and making sure the goons stayed away from Connor and M'gann.

As incredibly cheesy as the thought was, teamwork was fucking awesome.

And the entire time they fought, the occasional foe would drop to the ground, screaming in pain from some kind of lower leg injury. Which was… disturbing, but the cause seemed to be avoiding the heroes. Close enough to an ally for them.

Finally, they ran out of goons.

"So, what the fuck was with all the collapsing?" Artemis asked, looking around suspiciously at the ground. This was a common habit for her lately, mostly due to Stabby's presence in the cave.

Wait.

"Oh my god." Artemis said in a strangled voice, a slightly hysterical tone underlying it.

"Seriously? Just, really?" Kaldur asked nobody, wondering how his life had reached the scenario he was in.

"Stabby! Baby! You came to save us!" Robin cried out gleefully, jumping down from the ceiling to land near said knife wielding Roomba.

"Ow! Fuck, my ankle!" Wally yelled, as Stabby served his purpose and gave the speedster a mild puncture wound to the ankle.

"What happened? …Why is Stabby here?" M'gann asked, now awake, and walking over with Conner's support.

"Fuck this, let's talk on the way back. Mission accomplished, and my life is officially a dumpster fire. Robin, grab your toy, let's go." Artemis snapped, before stalking off in the direction of the bioship.

"How dare you. Stabby isn't a toy, he's my _son_." Robin hissed in outrage, although he still picked up the Roomba and followed the rest of the team towards the bioship.

* * *

"Okay, so Stabby stowed away with us. Fine. Terrifying, but fine. The part I don't understand is, he only ever gives us gentle stab wounds, if those words can be put together in any sane context. The grunts back there dropped like rocks. How does that make sense?" Wally demanded, gesturing to the Roomba in question. Said Roomba was seated firmly on Robin's lap, knife carefully pointed outwards, and was letting out the occasional happy whirr.

"Yes, about that. See, this is another conversation we wouldn't need to have if you followed my blog, because I've got another series of posts realising that Stabby loved us with all his little mechanical heart, and I needed to give him the means to express that. Said means being some upgrades that may or may not have been taken a little too far. So while Stabby will only give us light, affectionate stabbings, he may or may not attack our enemies with deep, serious stabbings. Also, I think I might have accidentally made an AI."

There was a long, stunned pause in the bioship. Five members of the team stared at Robin in varying levels of shock and horror. Robin shrugged, and returned to petting Stabby.

"You gave. Our knife wielding floor robot. An artificial intelligence." Kaldur finally forced out, clearly in shock on some level.

"I mean, it's not a very smart AI, no offense Stabby. I'm no Tony Stark, I can't do anything JARVIS level or whatever. Also, that's fictional and probably impossible. Nah, intelligence speaking, Stabby's like… a very enthusiastic dog. Or a slightly dumb cat that is otherwise very sweet. Either way, he followed us out here, and seemed to object to us being threatened. So… Stabby attacked the people threatening us. Good boy."

"I… I have no words." Artemis said, making a helpless sort of gesture.

"Wait, so he saved us on the mission?" Conner said, gesturing at Stabby to confirm what he was talking about. Robin gave double thumbs up, and quickly resumed holding Stabby, who had immediately tried to give Robin some affection wounds.

"Well, the last time we were rescued by a third party, it was Artemis. And we let her on the team. I vote Stabby joins the team." Conner said firmly. While his tone was completely serious, there was a faint glint of humour in his eyes, making it clear that he knew _exactly_ how much he was fucking with half of the team.

"Seconded!" Robin blurted out almost immediately, a wide grin on his face.

"No. No, no, emphatically no, fuck no." Artemis said, pounding the armrest of her chair with a fist to emphasize the point.

M'gann gave a small frown at Artemis hitting her ship, before giving a small, deceptively sweet smile.

"I agree with Conner. Stabby might have saved our lives today. He deserves to be part of the team."

"He's a fucking Roomba! One that likes stabbing us!" Wally wailed, giving them a disbelieving look. "He is not on this team!"

All heads turned towards Kaldur. He gave a very long sigh, and rested the back of his head on his chair.

"This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever been a part of. I refuse to get involved. I'm staying neutral."

"HAH! WE'VE GOT MAJORITY, STABBY'S ON THE TEAM!" Robin yelled, punching the air, and reaching out for high fives from Conner and Megan. "I'm putting this on my blog!"

"I'm putting this in my obituary. As the reason I threw myself off a roof." Artemis muttered darkly. She was probably joking. Hopefully.

* * *

 **AN: So yeah, Stabby is basically the teams cat whose really sweet, but is also a dumbass that tends to cause a lot of accidental damage. In this case, it's light stabs to the ankle. But he would absolutely die for the team in a heartbeat. Or kill for them. Or just stab some ankles really hard. He'll figure it out along the way. He's not going to accompany them on a lot of missions, he's just going to be Robin's weird knife robot that wanders around the cave. Intruders beware. It's convenient, having a knife wielding Roomba. He'll stab you and clean up the blood. The cave has never been so clean.**

 **Conner likes Stabby, because Stabby's a lot cuter when you're invulnerable and can't be stabbed. M'gann likes Stabby because she does a lot of floating anyways, so really what's a bit more. Also, Artemis hit her ship, and she was mildly annoyed at that, and voting Stabby in was a quick payback that she was thinking of doing anyways. Robin likes Stabby because Robin is Robin.**

 **Artemis isn't a fan of Stabby just on principle, even though she can avoid him 90% of the time. Wally** _ **hates**_ **Stabby, because Wally's not one for concentrating, and that makes him really easy to sneak up on and stab. Lucky he heals fast, so the stab wounds last for like, ten minutes. At most. Stabby's affection wounds are really light. And Kaldur doesn't give a shit because he can also avoid Stabby most of the time, considers the light stabs to be a good reminder to pay attention, and doesn't want to deal with the inevitable shitstorm that would go down if anything happened to Stabby.**

 **Anyways, please share your feelings on Stabby, as it will affect how much he'll show up in the future. Like, I'm prepared to cut him down to the occasional cameo if he's ehh, but I could also have him be a recurring character, and maybe even do a chapter from inside his violent little mind. We'll see, I guess.**


End file.
